By now you are up to your ears on the best, the landmark,
the “how fantastic our movies are” spiel
Here’s my list of 11
mysteries of Bollywood over the last 100 years:
1) 100 years and yet no Oscar?
Sure you can say we don’t need endorsement
from the west, but lets face it, its more credible than the IIFA’s of the
world. So when Bosnia, Iran eta al with virtually no industry or budgets can
win, what stopped us? WE who produce the
most movies in the world can’t produce ONE in a century? There is something
seriously wrong here. In movie sensibilities, in selection, in promotion....
2) Why does India produce film family mafias?
Almost 80% of actors and directors today
have filmy lineage. Which country in the world has this percentage? It is’nt
just about the public wanting it, otherwise Shahrukh Khan, Amitabh Bachchan and
Dilip Kumar would have never made it. But to have only 1-2 top actors in every
generation from outside? There is serious shutting out of talent here. Chief
offenders in the past 100 years: The Kapoor family (all the brothers who
survived flop-after-flop till they made it big), the Chopras (Uday Chopra OMG),
Karan Johar (when was the last time he did a film with a non-star kid cast?).Our
oh-so-principled Aamir Khan too is not above promoting a wooden nephew, and a
wife with directorial skills which every second FTII grad has. The less said
about the Jacky Bhagnanis the better. Nowhere do such patently uncharismatic /talentless
star progeny get a chance the way they do in India.
3) Why the growth of crap PR?
Everyone knows flop actress Aishwarya Rai
is PR made . You can look at it as brilliant PR or as a con trick. I believe
the latter. Like Shahid kapoor. His PR about how he’s having affairs with the
actress of the day and how he is considering offers with hot-shot directors (none
of which happens).So maybe these highly paid PR guys are there to just ensure
endorsements by keeping their clients in the news.
4) Why Indians became “Haw-jee-Haw cine viewers”
:
Kissing has become acceptable on screen
only in the last five years. Shameful. Our censors post-independence decided
that “Angrez chale gaye, lekin Victorian values chod gaye”(The British left
India but the censors upheld Victorian values). Likewise for cusswords. Like
they don’t exist. Hence kisses and curses were censored and Indians became
generations of “Haw-jee-Haw” viewers. We believed that such movies would
“spoil” the kids. Which brings me to the next point...
5) Why does Bollywood not produce enough
children’s films?
Because our regular films are childish and
simplistic. No layering or shades of grey. No nuances (is there even a Hindi
word for ‘nuances’?). Just silly movies which makes the whole family laugh....Look
at the recent Rs.100 crore “hit” films and you’ll see what I mean.
6) Why the Holy cows?
Like almost every aspect of Indian public
life, there are certain holy cows who can do no wrong and are subject to idle
gossip but NEVER is their ability questioned or character flaws highlighted.
E.g Sachin Tendulkar, Mahatma Gandhi and in Indian cinema Dilip Kumar, Raj
Kapoor, Amitabh Bachchan, Aamir Khan(possibly the most phoney among actors). I
mean is this the best we produce? People who play larger than life, have set
mannerisms and can never hope to be anything in international cinema. Sure they
are popular, charismatic and talented but finally they are caricatures of
themselves....
7) Why no shame in copying?
In Hollywood an A class director makes a
successful film and he is copied by C-class wannabes . In Bollywood A class
directors make successful films and which are then copied by themselves and then
by other A class directors. So Yashraj will repeat their formula till it fails.
Ditto Sooraj Barjataya. Ditto Karan Johar. Ditto Kunal Kohli. Ditto all the
Dabangg wannabe’s. Ditto all the item numbers stuffed into every movie.
8) Why no original scripts?
Which gangster film has been made which is’nt
inspired by the Godfather? Why do we have super hero concepts imported from
the west when we can do a far better job adapting Hindu Mythology? Why do we
find our best movies have been inspired by the foreign films-any foreign films
(Sholay for that matter, though it was an improvement). Why are script writers
cronies of top stars/ directors and not well paid professionals. The strange
thing is that for an industry which worships “opening weekends” ”Rs.100 crores”
etc can’t figure out the returns they can get on a great original script (Kahaani and Vicky Donor made ten times the invested money)
9) Why do we never retire until we are kicked
out by the seat of our pants?
Again, its a peculiar Indian trait. In
politics, sports, movies. So we have to suffer a doddering Rajesh Khanna/Amitabh
Bachchan who refuse to ride gracefully into the sunset, till the producers go
bankrupt. Over-the-hill actresses just marry Richie rich guys who they would
never have looked at in their heydays when the real eligible guys were chasing
them. Kajol is possibly the only exception who married when the world was at
her feet.
10) Why so wannabe?
Our filmmakers shoot abroad or in some
la-la land where everyone speaks Hindi or is an Indian. Goras in minor roles
are the guys the director must’ve chatted with on the plane and said “Hey, wanna do a Bolly
film for fun?” The movies cater to NRI’s who want to see Indians as glamorous
people and “good Bharatiya ” values. (Yes, the same set up they left behind for
better options). So we have the entire KJo lot of movies, the Anjaana Anjaani type unbelievable road film crap, Agent Vinod, Teri Meri Kahani, Cocktail- hundreds of such
movies with a success rate of 5%.Wake up and smell the coffee folks. Be proud
to be in India with cosmopolitan sensibilities.
11) Why do we object to being called Bollywood?
The industry is just a parody of what real
movies should be. All song and dance with exceptions being three movies out of
several hundred in a YEAR. The film fraternity throws a red carpet welcome for
every has-been celebrity from the West, even though most Indians don’t care for
them at all. So when we don’t take our craft and audience seriously, why get so
offended?
We can stop patting ourselves on the back
and get down to some serious introspection.
P.S.
Notable exceptions:
The future of cinema will be people like Anurag
Kashyap, Tigmanshu Dhulia, Zoya Akhtar, Ranveer Singh, SRK(How he started, not
his current trap with the filmy baba log
), a few pathbreaking moves by pucca commercial makers like Aditya Chopra ( Band Baaja Baarat and his inputs for
movies like Kahaani ), scriptwriters
like Juhi Chaturvedi, pure hearted film makers like Vidhu Vinod Chopra and Raju
Hirani. The rest of the proposal makers will have the occasional hit but will
on an average get a lower return on investments than the aforementioned.
Wishing BOLLYWOOD all the best for the next
100 years.
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